If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
