ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she smelled like a LAN party
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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