My hand turned me down
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
