what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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