Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
