my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
