He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
