I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I woke up under a house in Key West
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