I faked an abortion last night.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
