I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
