I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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