so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
