Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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