Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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