So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
