so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
