I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
