she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
