its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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