I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
