i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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