I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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