she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
