woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize
