I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
