Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
