They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
