I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
