Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
