I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
