normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
