hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
