the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
