Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
