Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
