The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize
