Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
