I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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