I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
