Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
