I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
