I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Life is so much better after having sex.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
