I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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