Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
