Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Sober January is a disaster.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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