he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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