So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
we're making bets on your personal life
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
ttyl tear gas
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
