When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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