I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
