On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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