Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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