Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
this beer tastes like vomit already
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
